


тоска

by LiliBunny



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: AU, Aged-Up Otabek Altin, Aged-Up Yuri Plisetsky, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - College/University, Childhood, Childhood Memories, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Realism
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-10
Updated: 2018-02-10
Packaged: 2019-01-15 14:14:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,790
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12322623
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LiliBunny/pseuds/LiliBunny
Summary: тоска: (n) ache of the soul, longing beyond bearable bounds with nothing to long for.Manipulation mixed with guilt laced with distortion have been Yuri's undoing. An endless cycle of getting better to growing worse will be his eventual breaking point. What does it take for someone to stand up for themselves against their own family?





	1. Prologue: The Start

**Author's Note:**

> First off. Thank you for giving this story a chance. I'm very excited to do this story.

_Smashing glass, that is my first memory of my childhood. My father yelling words, muffled as I cannot remember. Myself, sitting on the inside steps chipping my nails at the baby blue paint of the wall revealing a bright orange, a color to this day I cannot stand for unknown reasons deep in my subconscious. The shouting grew louder, the very sound vibrating the small building of my childhood home as the door behind shook with intent. Slowly, I stood up still dressed in my school uniform shirt untucked and pants pinned at my hip as I was too small for even the smallest of size for my age group. Long legs, thin in body, and short in stature my child self would stand up slowly fingers curling around the door hand sliding the delicate old wooden door open to reveal the feet of my mother. My gaze following upwards my heart began to beat insistently in warning as I saw she had peed herself, her eyes wide; unseeing. Her lips opened and closed as if to tell me something, she couldn’t form a single word. My own body began to shake as I tried to make sense of the woman I had held so close to my heart looking at me like I was a stranger, her tongue moving in her mouth puzzled as she looked over me helplessly lost. The entire demeanor of her looking possessed as she mindlessly stared, just stared over me and her surroundings with that dark-eyed confused expression._

_I ran._

_I ran barefoot three blocks down gasping for breath holding my arms to my chest sliding to the sidewalk with hot tears streaming down my already reddened cheeks brightly visible with my contrasting blonde hair. What was that? I couldn’t form a single idea in my young brain to explain the event that had just taken place. Taking a deep breath, or two—numbly I found myself walking slowly to return to my home to stand up and face whatever monster had invaded my mother._

_It wasn’t until I got home, I felt the scary atmosphere had changed. I was already prepared with my tiny fists shaking at my sides to fight they settled. Entering the home, I walked slowly over the wooden floor the surface warming my cold feet as I shuffled into our main room. First, I spotted my mother, seated with her head in her hands, seeming to be normal. Second, my father pacing over the space talking lowly for once to then snap his head at me in alarm as the floor beneath my toes creaked with my step. He rushed to me, blue eyes wide however calm as he led me into the kitchen._

_He then explained to me what I saw, my mother had had seizure._

_Years later this memory still plays over my mind as the start of it all, that drove me to where I am now to be a protector and to extent provider for my mother. It is this very first event to me that drives me to also have this be my current barrier._

“Yuri”

My head glanced upwards, my blue eyes peeking through my long blonde hair with bangs currently swooped messily over my face. “Yes.” I looked up in annoyance from my phone screen reflecting dangerously from my pupils.

“Don’t forget to bring home milk after work.” There she goes, why didn’t she pick up any when she was already out.

“I guess” I retorted looking back from my phone, my legs stretched out relaxing on the couch for another few minutes of ‘relaxation’ before I had to leave to go to work.

She huffed, “Well I guess I won’t ask you again.”

“Okay” I muttered knowing that would never be the case, my mother never keeps any of her promises least none I can remember. 

In the end, I left early for work as her attitude grew on to be how I was so ungrateful and selfish. Like, fuck she asked for fucking milk and that turned into a case of how I’m not supporting enough of the household. I hate it. Every talk becomes an argument which ends in myself apologizing for nothing just to get her to stop talking.

As I pulled my car to a stop in my work’s parking lot, I tiredly rested my head on the steering wheel inhaling sharply as the radio became like static in my ears. ‘I will not cry’ I told myself internally as exhaling a sigh. I was exhausted, beyond stressed to the max staring blankly out to the old gas station across the street daydreaming I was anywhere else. It was tragic. My insomnia was only getting worse as were the bags on my eyes not helping my energy levels which were dropping dramatically. Rolling my shoulders, I blinked away the burning tears threatening to fall. “No.” I whispered to myself sitting up straight against my car seat my eyes narrowed looking in my rear view mirror. I was pushing myself to my limit. I knew this even with the trembling shake of my fingers as I turned off my car. After all there is only so far you can push your body and your mind until it snapped completely at your utter breaking point. However, I was stronger than this as today wouldn’t be that day.

Slowly, I dragged myself out of my car running a hand through my hair with a tie between my fingers quickly tying back part of my long blonde hair into a half bun leaving my bangs to dangle over my right eye. Locking my car, I stood tall walking inside the bell ringing behind me as the front cashier cheerfully looked over me with her dumb eyes drooping even with her happiness. “Hi! Welcome!” She chirped at me with a big ass smile. I pass a glance her way to then continue my merry way. Nothing against her, I just really hated she felt the need to welcome me to the store when she knows I worked there. I was on the verge of snapping today, and she must have felt deep down to push me. “You look tired!” She said in her slow monotone of voice still ever happy even with her perfectly straight hair just reaching her shoulders barrette at the side of her ear. Fuck course I’m tired I probably slept a total of eight hours in the past five days and she had the nerve to try and make conversation.

“I’m fine” I hissed past my teeth as moving swiftly faster to the office door to just get my shit in my locker and punch in to start my day and here I thought I’d rather be at work than home. No-I would always rather be here than home…at least while my mother was home.

Slapping a smile on my face and my name badge at the hip of my pants I stepped out onto the sales floor with my screams for help ringing in the back of my skull. 


	2. With the wind, Change comes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you, welcome to chapter two <3 I'm so excited to get back on this story and share it with you all <3 Lots of ideas brewing.  
> Be sure to comment and let me know what you think.

 

Weekends were the worst, should I ever get to experience my blessing of youth past these four walls of this fucking drugstore? Course not now, probably not ever least while I was one of the bare few that kept open availability. Tragically, money came priority to my freedom to do as I wished with my day. After passing a quick glance to the sales floor seeing the afternoon crowds die down, I snuck into the stockroom climbing my way the bay making myself comfortable against a case of toilet paper pulling my hidden phone from my boot before thumbing the screen. I was a good employee, don’t let my slacking fool you, one of the best actually. I am just so tired of this job, I am better than this: Losing my temper to couponers trying to scam the system, learning everyday old people 50/50 aren’t so sweet, coworkers steal your lunch if you don’t put a damn label on it. Everything, from the little brats knocking every product off of the shelves all the way down to the nameless asshole who shit in our bathroom sink today. Fucking ridiculous, all the maximum effort to keep a smile kissing ass and doing your job for the winning low price of minimum wage. Fuck it all sometimes.

The sound of a slow beeping alerted me of someone entering in the key entry of the stockroom’s door. Swiftly and well-practiced I flipped out from my hiding spot tucking my phone back in its place in one solid movement landing to my feet. Quickly, I made myself look busy grabbing some beer to fill the coolers—as I was supposed to be doing. I didn’t look up when whomever they were came in shuffling about grabbing something to then return out onto the floor. They didn’t matter, none of them did—not really. I mean, it’s not like I didn’t care if something happened to them, but they were just coworkers we weren’t family, we weren’t friends.

Leaving for home was always a mixed reward. On one hand, I was out of work on the other I had to deal with her. Walking inside I saw her just as I left her, in her recliner chair watching TV. Fuck, I forgot to buy her milk, which she made she sure to scold me for when spotting I didn’t carry it inside. Feigning an apology, I went upstairs to my room trying to ignore the comments of my ‘selfishness’ and ‘laziness’ while grabbing fresh clothes to change into after my shower. Gliding past the main room towards the bathroom I fluidly shut the door turning on the faucet to then strip myself of my disgusting work uniform. If an eight-hour day was bad, ten-hour days made me feel absolutely revolting. Naked, I stood before my mirror looking upon my porcelain skin then stepping into the hot water now beating upon my spine. The burn ever pleasurable as I washed myself of the day’s mark upon me cleansing it from my body.

Skin now stained pink in a flushed rose of a color from the intensity of my shower I tugged on an oversized shirt—some random shirt I had no memory of even owning or how it came to be in my bedroom though it was my favorite. Dressed only in this shirt and a pair of tiger-printed boxer briefs I crawled my way into bed, limbs spread about as I breathed in heavily to my lungs. I was tired exhausted, done with the entire day.

I lay there clean and fresh, body sprawled out on my bed with my tv as my only source of light. There in the dark I remained motionless watching some dumb romantic movie which I knew not the name of feeling a sense of sadness. The emotion was not really much of a surprise for my late-night thoughts, but it was a feeling I was growing tired from. Insomnia was a bitch sometimes to make me thing of things, all kinds of ideas and emotions I rather keep locked tight away from the world’s view. Such stirrings making me feel normal, human.  I wanted more, much more than waking up day by day like this; alone. I wanted someone to understand me, know me for who I am and what I longed for.  Where was my support, my special someone? All these the stories, all of them were utter bullshit. Girl meets boy, chance meetings-blah it was all lies. One-night stands? Too risky… Dating? Even harder. What even was a social life? Fuck all of those who I might even consider as friends lived miles, states, countries from me so here I be, alone.

Some point during the movie my hand traveled under my shirt, teasing along my stomach in soft circles gliding lower. It was natural, I know this though every time I touched myself I felt a sense of emptiness and guilt. It was quick, just a base of need and a bit of shame was always the lingering thoughts. After a quick trip to the bathroom I cleaned all evidence from my body before then snuggling under my numerous blankets. My eyes fluttered fighting sleep, struggling to stay awake I curled into myself nuzzling against the soft fabric of my comforter. I was pathetic, if only I wasn’t such a contradiction no- weakling. I wanted love, I wanted affection. I fucking craved the couple aesthetic and goals like my morning coffee. Desires, I had them-I had things I wanted to do, to try but what good would that do by myself? Why couldn’t I get past my fear of dating, my fear of sex…

It wasn’t just that was it? A fear of the first time? Shit so many diseases and risks in the world why did fear have to play such a part in my life holding me down like chains at my ankles. Weights keeping me from making the first step towards companionship. Even if I could shuffle one foot forward who would want me? Isn’t sex just like anything now-a-days? Sure, high school everyone was doing it so now it’s like you just assume well fuck, you’re 23 years old now you must have fucked someone at some point. Wrong.

I don’t know why it was so important to me to wait. I should have just gotten it over with, but something held tight to me along-side the fear. Perhaps tradition, marriage, maybe love? Something kept me from being…normal? Fuck being normal, I just wanted happiness.

* * *

 

It was a Tuesday, worst day ever. To most it would be Monday’s, but not me—Tuesdays were terrible. This particular one was going for top 5 of the year. Tuesday was my boss’s late day which meant for me no downtime what-so-ever, aka look fucking busy.

It had been months since we fired our last new girl for stealing, dumb ass was stupid to think she wouldn’t get caught there were cameras everywhere. Not only that, but in retail everyone talks. Fuck everyone talks about the customers to the their ‘best friend’ at work. No one is safe. Word travels fast, like hell you tell someone you forgot to change the trash bag and next thing you know you’re being called into the office about why you apparently _never_ do the trash. Vicious thing retail, ever changing like the wind as its employees.

Not that anyone should accept this job as a permanent career, but it was a worthy job—actually a stepping stone everyone should take so they don’t grow up to be the assholes of society. They came and they go the employees of our store—so honestly us ‘veterans’ who lasted more than three years always pegged on how long someone would stay. So it shouldn’t have been to anyone’s surprise that they finally hired someone new to replace the thieving bitch.

I didn’t care who they were or what they were like, like who cares we were all a little weird in our own way. However, when I came in for shift change I saw a bunch of the girls gossiping behind the check out counter. “What?” I raised a furrowed eyebrow in annoyance already thinking I’d have to pick up some slack once I punched in.

“Didn’t you hear?” One of the girl’s peeked out from their circle, fuck what was her name? “We hired another guy.”

That’s right…perfect. Just what I want-no really it is. These bitches always have me do all the heavy lifting as if hell will break loose should they break a nail. Don’t get me wrong, there is a few girls here that pull their weight, but I always work opposite shift so unfortunately most on my own falls on me. Yes, it’ll be good to have some help.

Rolling my eyes at their giggling I continued on towards the office to punch in and get yet another day over with so I could go home to enjoy my next two days off binge watching some anime, another guilty pleasure.

Walking inside with my less than work appropriate sneakers shuffling against the tiled floor I aggressively punched in my employee number with a sigh. Lazily, my eyes passed a glance into the manager’s office to feel my heart give a heavy thud against my chest when a pair of brown eyes strong and unyielding locked with my own. My heart picked up speed with the intensity of my breath catching in my throat til his gaze turned away.

_Breathe, Yuri fucking breathe._

_Shit, am I having a heart attack?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and Kudos appreciated.  
> See you again in Chapter 3

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading.  
> Kudos and Comments are appreciated.
> 
>  
> 
> _“No single word in English renders all the shades of **‘тоска.’** {tos-ka}  At its deepest and most painful, it is a sensation of great spiritual anguish, often without any specific cause. At less morbid levels it is a dull ache of the soul, a longing with nothing to long for, a sick pining, a vague restlessness, mental throes, yearning. In particular cases it may be the desire for somebody of something specific, nostalgia, love-sickness. At the lowest level it grades into ennui, boredom.” -- Vladimir Nabokov, the famous Russian-American author of ‘Lolita’ _


End file.
